1. People Feel Free To Talk To Me About My Sex Life, Sort Of.

Yeah, let’s not talk about sexy baby. Now that I’ve been married a whopping 2 and half weeks people have decided to make comments about my sex life. They never come out and say it, but they somehow feel free to make idiotic innuendos.

“I was going to call you last night but I was afraid you’d be busy, hehehe, busy.�

I’m 25, not 5. We can discuss sex like adults, not wagging eyebrows and drawn out “ooooooohhhhhh yeeeeeaaaaahhh, I bet you guys made a mess last night� When I say we made a mess, I mean we made a mess. You know dishes and clutter. Not lubricant and whipping cream. Just say, “Hey, did you guys have sex last night?� We’ll answer, yeah twice. But that’s the adult thing, not “heeeeeyyyyy how’s married life..he he he, wink wink nudge nudge, maaaaarrrrriieeed life.�

 

2. Goodbye Smoky Joe

Zach is quitting smoking. That’s right. After he chewed his first piece of Nicorette gum I asked him how it was and he said, “Fine, can I have a cigarette now.� He doesn’t feign for the nicotine, he just wants to French kiss the filter because he loves smoking in and of itself.

Instead of nagging him, I’ve instead opted to sing this song. It’s by Weasley and it’s called Cigarettes vs. Kisses.

STOP, stop smoking cigarettes and START, start blowing kisses (more…)

1. I get to leave my current job
In the past 4 ½ months, we had three different Directors and more than 16 people have quit.  It’s no longer a sinking ship.  It’s a sinking ship, someone has lit on fire, that is overrun by termites, and passed over by pirates.

2. At my new job I will have my own office.

At my old job, I had my own office with a huge window and a beautiful view of downtown. That is of course until they changed Directors (one of the times) and I got moved to an old classroom with 2 other people.  In this old room there are no phones, no printers, no desks, only folding tables (between 10-15), old chairs ( 27 dusty, musty, mauve chairs) and they keep putting all of the other broken down furniture in here like a store room (army green broken filing cabinet, top of a desk credenza thingy, old poster of Mexico). It is more than a little reminiscent of Office Space, where Milton gets moved to the basement and they “fix� a payroll error. 

3. I get to buy new office supplies
Upon cleaning out the drawers in my filing cabinet, I counted 36 Post-It notepads; all in an array of colors (traditional yellow, pink, turquoise, and magenta) shapes (square, rectangular, star, and flower) and sizes (extra large, regular, small, and too small to write anything of use). While some may feel that I would not need to purchase any more Post-it notes; 36 being enough.  I instead chose to give away half, so I would have justifiable reason to purchase more…nay, better Post-it notes.  I am also in the process of convincing Zach that my label maker I bought a year ago is now antiquated, and this new job demands labels that are up to par.

4. I get to be a part of an Austin tradition.
Traffic. 

Having to be at work by 7:30am for the past 2 ½ years has left me out of the notorious Austin traffic.  Again, please see Office Space as it was filmed in Austin.  Now that I’ll join the ranks of the 8-5 people, I’ll get to see what I’ve been missing.

  Oh goodie.

5. I get to make new friends.

It’s taken me 2 years to learn to tolerate most of the staff I work with now.  I hate talking to new people, and I almost never initiate conversations with strangers.  Yes, it’s a wonder I have any friends at all.  Now I get to be the anti-social new girl who eats all of her lunches in her office.

6. It’s quite possible I may be someone’s boss.
While some may think the term “bossy� refers to 12 year old girls trying to push around their friends, it could also refer to 25 year old women who delight in being in control.  

Oh man, I can’t believe someone is going to pay me to do this.

7. I get to buy new clothes
This new job, the one where I get to be the boss, is much more professional than my old job.  This means I need “Professional Vida� clothes.  I fear my Army camouflage t-shirt, isn’t going to cut it any more. 

8. I get to wake up much earlier.
I currently wake up with just enough time to brush my teeth, put on my contacts, find my camo shirt, and put my hair in a ponytail.  Now I’ll be forced to put on make-up and comb my hair.  I’m sure a job that requires my hair to be combed is some sort of symbol of adulthood, but whatever.

9.  I’ll get to make new Sonic friends
 While I almost refuse to talk to new people or attempt to make friends, I will befriend the workers at the local Sonic.  Since my Coke affinity has grown to a full fledged addiction, I stop daily at Sonic to get my fix.  It pays to play nice with the local dealers.

10.  I get a new business card.
This ranks somewhere between buying new office supplies and being the boss of someone else.  It’s a status symbol and I love it.  Never mind the fact that any 12 year old can print business cards on an inkjet printer.  The thought of a new card, with the new job logo, and best of all my new title….oh man, I get a little hot and bothered just thinking about it. 

11. I get to reinvent myself
No one will know me there, so I can be whomever I chose.  Hey, maybe Vida at her new job has an accent, or Vida at her new job lunches every Wednesday with her friends.  No one will know that old job Vida keeps Grumpy Bear (Carebear) pens on her desk and Happy Bunny stickers than say “Go away you worthless turd.� 

No one will think she’s cute or just like I was when I was your age.  Vida at her new job is professional, she’s focused, she means business…she does not eat fruit roll-ups for lunch.

So I took this personality test. The questions were asked in an innovative way which I really liked. The problem is, I’m such an analytical thinker that I always have a problem taking those tests. I know what they are asking and where my answer will put me, and I also know how I want it to turn out. This gives a decided bias to the results.

But this time….I got an answer I did not expect.

(more…)

I don’t have any plants, any pets, any kids. As soon as you meet me you realize I’m not a nurturer. I kill all types of vegetation, I don’t even have silk plants. Things that need constant attention like a dog or cat are an annoyance to me. It goes without saying that I don’t do feces. I’d be the kind of mom who would leave the store saying, “I know I’m forgetting something. I’ve got my purse, my keys, my sunglasses, but I thought I came in with something else….� Kids don’t match the décor in my house.

Slightly humorous, but completely true which makes it a little sad.

Not sad like starving Romanian baby sad, but sad like when you meet someone who has never tasted something, like say the joy that is Coca Cola. (more…)