So here’s the problem with committing to write three times per week.  Sometimes you just don’t have anything to say.

I mean, I have PLENTY of things to say, just nothing worth writing.

I was thinking about writing about all the fun things that have happened in the past few days or all the things that have made me smile or things I’m thankful for.

Nah. Let’s write about the recent things that have caused me to faux poke out my eye.

Faux eye poker #1. When people say, “Oh, I don’t have time to watch TV.”

At SBCC, we require all international students to have insurance.  Said insurance company took us all out to lunch today and someone asked if anyone had seen any good movies.  Everyone chimed in with their ideas and made their comments no matter how inane.

I then ask, has anyone seen any good TV shows to which one person replies in their haugthy, holier than thou voice, I don’t have t-i-m-e to watch TV.

Really?   REALLY?

It  makes me want to roll my eyes, gag, and slightly convulse.  How can you tell me you don’t have time for TV when you just rattled off a bunch of movies you’ve just seen?  One movie is like 2-4 tv shows and if you mentioned three movies, well, you do the math.  And have you not heard of a DVR?  It’s a wonderful device that allows you to watch things at your leisure, and not be glued to a TV.

Why do people think admitting to watching a TV show somehow ruins your credibility as someone who can appreciate anything “good.”  Why do people feel like it makes them better than other people to not watch TV.

The best part though, is when I ignored the snarky , I’m better than you, I don’t have time for TV comment, and said, Oh my husband and I are really into Dexter. She says, oh I love Dexter.

AH HA!

Faux eye poker #2: Coke is Coke.

It is not Pepsi, it is not Diet.  If I wanted Pepsi, I’d say Pepsi, if i wanted diet coke, I’d say diet coke.

Horror of all horrors, the school I work at is a Pepsi school.  If I’d had known this I would have seriously reconsidered accepting employment.  But they hoodwinked me, and now I’m stuck.  So imagine how upset I was when I asked if they had a coke (after seeing only rows of stinky Pepsi) and the lady said Sure.  Imagine my elation, imagine my joy, imagine my almost nirvana like state. 

Now, image my rage when she points to the rows of Pepsi.  I say, that’s not Coke, it’s Pepsi.  And she says, Oh…  (Oh, like it’s a surprise to her).  Oh, well that’s all we have. Rage I tell you, rage.

I go to this cute little cafe and I say, do you have Coke? And she says yes.  Hurrah, oh happy blissful day.  I receive the alleged “coke” and I realize its diet.  Blech, yuck, gag, twitch.

I say, um ma’am, this is diet coke.  I asked for regular. She looks and me and I swear to you she says, oh we ran out of Coke a long time ago so we just give everyone diet and no one has ever noticed.

What?  How is this possible.  Who on God’s green earth can’t tell the difference between glorious, wonderous Coke and blech, yuck, gag, twitch, diet coke?  WHO?

Faux eye poker #3: Sleeping husbands.

My new job starts at 8:00am versus the 8:30am of my previous job.  This means instead of  Zach and I leaving together, I am out the door before he gets out of bed.

There are no two ways about this; it sucks.

It’s been cold in the fair city of Santa Barbara and this morning as I was bundling up and getting ready to walk out the door, I go to give my still slumbering husband a kiss goodbye.  With his eyes still closed he rolls over and puckers his lips.  I’m hovering over him, still poised for his kiss and I say, Its really cold this morning.  It’s like 33 degrees. Subtext, what kind of man makes his wife walk in the cold, don’t you want to spring into action and drive me?  My only response is a Mmmmm, yeah, it’s cold which he mumbles with a smirk as he snuggles down in the covers.

The only thing that ups the suckiosity barometer is when it was raining…rain-ing. I started to get ready and I say, Oh man it’s raining (hint hint).   And a little later I say, I need to find some shoes that won’t get wet as I WALK IN THE RAIN TO WORK. And as I’m about to leave I’m hunting for my rain jacket and I say in a none too friendly voice, It’s raining outside and I have to walk, walk in the rain, and get wet. And again, still under the covers my husband says, oh did you want me to take you? And I look at him all warm and snuggly and I say in the most loving tone I can muster, No shit I want you to take me to work, it’s freaking raining outside but it’s too late, and I don’t have time to wait for you, WHICH YOU KNEW, and I have to leave now and get all wet.

Will someone please excuse me while I go and poke my eye out.