Sometimes when I walk up the stairs on my way to work, with my iPhone music turned up really loud, and the Kooks are singing to me

All of us, we’re going out tonight we’re going to stomp all over your cars, the kooks are out in the street, oh we’re going to steal your skies,

and it’s a beautiful morning and I can see the ocean through the trees and I just want to dance.  Just a little bit, not like full on choreography or anything.

More than a head-bob to the beat, but like, maybe some shoulder action and a kick ball-change.  Maybe some dancey moves up the stairs, and then down one stair and more dancey moves up the stairs.  Or like a Flashdance fist up in the air and those hoppy little kicks she does down the hill to my building.  And maybe a fist microphone and some singing to go with my dance moves.  Because really, what good is it to burst into dance if you can’t belt out that feel good tune with it?

Sometimes in the morning I just feel really good.  Not the mornings I’m running late and I try to make up those precious minutes by going faster up the mountain of stairs and just end up winding myself and gasping for air at the top but there are people around so I try to to breathe normally but I can’t get enough air so I end up with these weird gasps and short bursts of holding my breath as I try to slow my breathing by sheer mind power…not those mornings.

But the mornings when I’m on time and my shuffle bestows upon me an awesome song and I’m excited to go to a job where my boss isn’t a crazier control freak than me, and I see this insane view of the ocean and I feel so lucky and I just want to break out in a jaunty dance-walk to match my mood and the music.

But I also don’t want to be the crazy girl on campus.  Every city has that one lady who wears her purple leotard and straps on her walkman and does her morning jazzercise down main street.  That’s not the image I’m going for, but I am starting to see where she’s coming from.

There’s been three or four mornings when I’ve had to stop myself from dancing down to my office, seriously.  I tried to rationalize it, like maybe I could dance a little and it would be ok, people wouldn’t think I was too weird.  But that was a lie, they would think I’m weird.

So then I thought, screw them.  I feel like dancing, so I’ll dance and if they think I’m weird then too bad for them, I don’t care what they think.  But really, it’s one thing to not care if your co-workers don’t think your pink and orange ensemble really matches, it’s another for them to suspect you have no concept of social norms.

And if you feel the need to leave some comment, like, you should do it anyway, who cares about them…I challenge you to dance down your work hallway…dance while people are walking in and out…people you don’t really know but have to work with…and then and only then can you say anything.

I’m happy to go to work and ecstatic to have this new job and that joy is literally bursting out of me but as I get to my building I switch into a different mode.  It’s like I only let a little bit of my personality eek out in rationed doses.

I think I’m also frustrated because I’m the new girl again.  And if you know me, you know I take some time to warm up to people.  And now I have to wait it out until the people at my new work realize how awesome I am.  And believe you me, that can take some people quite awhile to figure out.

Clearly it’s not a self-esteem thing, I think the world of me, it’s just this balance of how much of yourself you show to people and when.  And for those of you who say, just let people see all of you at once, then I again challenge you to look at your closest friends verses your acquaintances and see if you feel more able to be “yourself” with one group of people over the other.

It’s a time thing, and I’m sure the people at my new job will warm up to me but in the mean time, I’m feeling a little put out about the whole thing.  I’m feeling left out that they don’t invite me to lunch with them, and I’m feeling misunderstood because I can’t figure out how to let my personality show, and I’m feeling pouty because I know I have friends and if they were here we’d go to lunch together but they’re not here, and I want to dance and the new people won’t let me, and I’m feeling irritated with myself for having these high school feelings.

Yes, I’m being overly emotional.

I said it, so there.

And I wrote it.

And I wrote it for everyone to read and for me to get it off my chest, so double there.